FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 1
RE: Annual Office Christmas Party
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party
will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the
private function room at the Grill House. There will be
a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band
playing traditional carols. Feel free to sing along. And
don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa
Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 p.m. Exchange
of gifts among employees can be done at that time, however,
no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts
easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for
employees! A special announcement will be made by our
CEO at that time! Merry Christmas to you and your family.
Patty
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++=
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 2
RE: Holiday Party
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our
Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an
important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas,
though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on
we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy
applies to any other employees who are not Christians or
those still celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will
be no Christmas tree present. No Christmas carols sung.
We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.
Happy now?
Happy Holidays to you and your family.
Patty
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 3
RE: Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics
Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table... you didn't
sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request,
but if I put a sign on a table that reads "AA Only" you
wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to
handle this? Somebody?
Forget about the gift exchange, no gifts are allowed since
the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and
executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy. NO GIFT
EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.
Patty
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 7
RE: Holiday Party
What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December
20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids
eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the
party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this
time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees'
beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving
your meal until the end of the party or else package every-
thing for you to take it home in a little foil doggy baggy.
Will that work?
Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to
sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women
will get the table closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed
to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with gay
men, each will have their own table. Yes, there will be a
flower arrangement for the gay men's table. However, to the
person asking permission to cross dress, no cross dressing
allowed. We will have booster seats for short people.
Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot
control the salt used in the food we suggest for those people
with high blood pressure to taste first. There will be fresh
fruits as dessert for Diabetics, the restaurant cannot supply
"No Sugar" desserts. Sorry! Did I miss anything?!?!?
Patty
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All fishing Employees
DATE: December 10
RE: The fishing Holiday Party
Vegetarians!! I've had it with you people!!! We're going to
keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or
not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the
"grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get
your fishing salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you
know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you
slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream
right NOW! I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive
drunk and die, you hear me?
The Bitch from HELL!
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: December 14
RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a
speedy recovery and I'll continue to forward your cards
to her. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel
our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the
23rd off with full pay.
Happy Holidays!
PS: HAVE A FANTASTIC WEEKEND!!!
